Friends and Planetary Trajectories

This was the second year in a row that I had pals over for post-surgery pumpkin carving. Last year's gathering was soon after brain tumor surgery. I laid on the couch a lot and did some tracing with a marker on a pumpkin. I was not allowed to play with the knives. This year I was more aware but shaky and weak inside in a way I had not been a year ago. It wasn't all from the surgery. No one questioned me carving but in the end I turned my traced pumpkin over to my dad to carve. Everyone claimed a good time and we declared that this should be a yearly tradition minus the surgeries on my part. Although a friend lamented that my parents wouldn't be there if I didn't have surgery. It seems that they like my dad's stories. Huh, go figure!

Been thinking about friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and folks with whom we brush elbows. My circle of friends who are active in my life has dwindled dramatically since getting sick. I've pondered a lot what that might mean.  Is it a poor reflection on me and who I attracted in my life? Is it because many of the relationships were based around outdoor activities and weren't deeper than that? Or was it the void of not replacing the grad school gang that dissipated after school? Maybe it's just being single in middle-age where other folks are busy raising kids and remodeling? In any case, a couple of years ago I would have been really surprised to see who is in the inner circle of my life. Who reaches out to me and who is there as I learn to reach out and ask for help. And, who I authentically enjoy and appreciate. Am grateful for those folks.

A few summers ago, a co-worker and I discovered that we enjoyed the same type of outdoor adventures.  She and I went on several outings that summer and shared our thoughts as we worked our way up and down from mountain summits. One day we were discussing friendships. I recall her saying something to the effect that, "I know this sounds awful but I think loyalty is over-rated. Just as planets come together for a time and then go their separate ways on differing trajectories, so do people come together for a time and then drift apart as what they need changes." I had a negative knee-jerk reaction to the loyalty comment yet understood the idea of shifting stages in life with changing needs and interests. She and I lost contact after she left the company and didn't return my phone calls. I only twinged a bit.

I've thought about those comments and concepts many times since. Especially as I often feel quick to judge those who appear to be struggling with my new normal. However, I don't want to waste my energy getting caught up in that. Though I still don't quite know what my philosophy is about this all. It kind of reminds me of my late twenties when I was living out of my car and solo backpacking the mountains of the U.S. Southwest. I was seeking the answers to the Big Questions in my reading of the Dhammapada, Tao Te Ching and Bhagavad Gita. I came out with more questions. However, I also came out with a sense that it was ok to not have the answers and understand it all. Possibly this is similar in that I don't need to figure it all out. Maybe I just need to deeply appreciate those who are here now and be open to new people entering the trajectory of my new reality; that's all.

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I appreciate all you folks who encouraged me through this last hurdle with your comments, emails and phone calls. I'm glad we're currently aligned. This has been my first week back at work and it's been rather tough.  Am also back in the saddle on the neurological front with upcoming neuro appointments to shake the tree about all sorts of stuff. The fun never ends...