No, I Didn't Bark This Year

When last visiting the neurologist, I asked about a possible peripheral neuropathy that had been identified last year. I had never followed up on it as I was diagnosed with the meningioma that night too. At that time brain tumor trumped possible early peripheral neuropathy and provided a significant distraction for quite some time. So, now I asked about whether the peripheral and central nerve issues were related. She said no but the conditions could co-occur and asked if I wanted a follow-up nerve conduction study. I said yes. I got myself into this thing.

Most nerve conduction study descriptions refer to them as mildly uncomfortable. Come again? Maybe I'm just an outlier on the bell curve. Or possibly my admittedly challenged nervous system is to blame. But whatever the reason, I find an hour plus of repeated electrical input to my muscles to be an intensely jarring experience.

My first nerve conduction study was last year. The technician was unbelievably cool. He was skilled at the art of conversing in a fashion that felt genuine in spite of delivering electrical shocks that punctuated our chat. So, Donna what do you do for fun?  Well, before I got sick I was into the mountains  -- uugh, ow -- and playing in them especially -- irrgh, uh--.  So, how do you get spiritually fed now? Well, hmm, good question, I guess -- uugh, yeow--  You get the idea.

He did warn me before a set on the back of my leg that most folks found these particular ones difficult.  However, quite to my surprise, one jolted my head and leg off the table and it happened. I barked. Or at least a loud sound closely resembling a bark was uttered by me in an abrupt sudden fashion. The technician snapped his head around and exclaimed that in his many years doing this, he'd heard all sorts of sounds and curses but that no one had ever barked!

So, I was dreading the test this year. My pal Diane drove me to the appointment. We were laughing and creatively trying to come up with affirmations that would help me maintain during the test. However, the testing was significantly shorter than last year and much less difficult. Well, the EMG portion with the needles in the muscles wasn't too fun. But overall it was nothing compared to last year. Best of all, the doc said I'm slow on a couple of nerve responses but that he didn't see any peripheral involvement -- test normal. One less neurological concern. Now there's only two on the table. Now that's worth barking over!

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Pumpkin seeds, firelogs and accommodations

Just when life was feeling a bit thin, several gifts came my way today.

I had good talk with my manager -- agreed to some arrangments. A big sense of relief.

When I came home exhausted, toasted pumpkins seeds were hanging from my door and a box of firelogs were in front of it...love gifts from a friend. I was so touched.

My cat, Jake, and I enjoyed the new moon evening in front of the fire.  He often is as cranky as he looks but also is developing his affectionate side.  He was a practice cat at a vet school and is a tad psycho. We get along just fine.

The Gravy and the Meat

Casual friends sometimes say, "Oh, you must really miss the mountains -- you were always so active." This is usually said in a manner indicating they believe it must be the biggest adjustment in my life. And, from a distant peripheral view of my existence, that's a reasonable impression. I've certainly had moments of deep twinges and some tears when passing by my dusty skate-skiis or ice ax. And, felt the smidge of envy when the Monday emails come in and friends' FB pages are updated with pics of the latest weekend adventure. And, as I experience the solitude of my new life. But, no it's really not what's been on my mind for the last couple years and especially recently.

It's true that at one phase in life I thought outdoor adventures, especially in the mountains, were the whole point of existence. And, the pesky job was just a gnat that I wasn't creative or talented enough to figure out how to do without. Being single and childless, the outdoor adventures were the point for quite a while.  But, seriously, these things are the gravy in life. No, I'm more concerned with the survival points of existence. My thoughts circle around and around about employment, accommodations, insurance, housing, general cognitive function. As a single American without a partner's insurance to fall back on, I need to be careful how I make the next moves in life. Very careful. Yet, moves need to be made.

These things are on my mind more as my daily symptoms are seriously amped up, likely from surgery, and my function is down. Even my tiny existence that I've carved out for myself has become more of a struggle than usual. Ok, I once dated someone who referred to me as "the queen of understatement". Let me restate. Attempting to meet the responsibilities of daily life right now is utterly wickedly brutal.

Last week I visited my possibly-maybe-shoulder-shrugging-not-much-we-can-do-for-you MS Neurologist. I left feeling frustrated and less than enlightened. She probably didn't think it was a great time either. I mentioned that during my surgery recovery, while I experienced incision pain, I didn't have my daily fatigue wall of molasses movement and slurring. Nor did my body buzz and vibrate in its usual fashion. Now, I probably had the cognitive fog, but who could tell between the narcotics and naps.  She seized this opportunity to suggest I simplify my life. I countered that I've already done a serious job of stripping it down to the bones. In a way that was both indirect and blunt, she noted that lifestyle modifications include not working.

I've accepted that I'll be leaving the workforce prematurely. However, as I have yet to gain solid answers and am still working with practitioners on shaking the tree, and am single, I'm not ready to flip a permanent switch. I've been thinking of asking for more accommodations. However, I'm lucky to have a fair amount of flexibility as it is although it appears that's not enough right now. My recent perusal of the fine print for the long-term disability policy informed me that it's for only four years! And, as I did seasonal work (think low paying) in my earlier days before re-assimilating into the mainstream, my SSDI would be enough to possibly rent a fishing shanty. And, I'd need to move... and... and...

As I wrote this, I received an email from a pal showing his pics from the first of the season back-country ski outing. Was I envious? No, it's only the gravy and right now I'm concerned about the meat (or the tofu).

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Single clematis bloom that occurred a couple of days before my surgery and lasted for a month.

Wish I were a decent photographer for this close-up...should have paid attention to Dad...

A fat spider that has been in residence on my deck for a couple months.  I purposely avoided rotating the plant below it so as to not destroy it's beautiful web.  It was destroyed in the last wind storm though.

The Parents

My cat and I negotiate daily life

in our space of quiet and semi-predictable routine.

Although perceiving myself as flexible,

I'm possibly more fossilized than I'd like to believe.

So, enter my parents into this ordered world

after surgeries to assist and provide care.

Grateful and quite in need of their help,

on two occasions my cozy but small abode we shared.

In a small office room I rearranged the furniture

and moved out the cat's poop box and food.

That my parents and their things occupied this space,

is something over which he did continually brood.

Suitcases and shelves soon overflowed with their things

and an air mattress was brought out for their bed.

Apologizing for this humble spread for their slumber,

assurances on their part were repeatedly said.

Soon after arriving my mom's actions made it clear

that my "one-bum" kitchen was hers to run.

Many meals she cooked and in complete spoiled fashion,

I didn't worry about the dishes being done.

A highlight of Dad's day is the The Price is Right

and bidding on the showcase is a serious endeavor.

"No, Dad I don't want to bid on the showcase."

"But what's your bid?" Sigh, "Ok, 24,000." Whatever!

After 57 years together, their conversings

sport affection, irritation and humor combined.

Whether card games, shopping choices or

planning the day, their paths are thoroughly entwined.

My mother notes that her forgetfulness is worse

and she one more time cannot find her keys.

Without his hearing aids my father quizzically responds,

"What did you say is wrong with your teeth?"

In spite of my medical woes that brought us together,

we look back at these events as good times.

Simple daily routines and small outings shared

offset the surgery distress and meds in the night.

That we came together in this sort of fashion

does not imply we are strangers to conflict rest assured.

Rather that a deep appreciation has been cultivated

from the challenges and struggles that collectively we have endured.

Friends and Planetary Trajectories

This was the second year in a row that I had pals over for post-surgery pumpkin carving. Last year's gathering was soon after brain tumor surgery. I laid on the couch a lot and did some tracing with a marker on a pumpkin. I was not allowed to play with the knives. This year I was more aware but shaky and weak inside in a way I had not been a year ago. It wasn't all from the surgery. No one questioned me carving but in the end I turned my traced pumpkin over to my dad to carve. Everyone claimed a good time and we declared that this should be a yearly tradition minus the surgeries on my part. Although a friend lamented that my parents wouldn't be there if I didn't have surgery. It seems that they like my dad's stories. Huh, go figure!

Been thinking about friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and folks with whom we brush elbows. My circle of friends who are active in my life has dwindled dramatically since getting sick. I've pondered a lot what that might mean.  Is it a poor reflection on me and who I attracted in my life? Is it because many of the relationships were based around outdoor activities and weren't deeper than that? Or was it the void of not replacing the grad school gang that dissipated after school? Maybe it's just being single in middle-age where other folks are busy raising kids and remodeling? In any case, a couple of years ago I would have been really surprised to see who is in the inner circle of my life. Who reaches out to me and who is there as I learn to reach out and ask for help. And, who I authentically enjoy and appreciate. Am grateful for those folks.

A few summers ago, a co-worker and I discovered that we enjoyed the same type of outdoor adventures.  She and I went on several outings that summer and shared our thoughts as we worked our way up and down from mountain summits. One day we were discussing friendships. I recall her saying something to the effect that, "I know this sounds awful but I think loyalty is over-rated. Just as planets come together for a time and then go their separate ways on differing trajectories, so do people come together for a time and then drift apart as what they need changes." I had a negative knee-jerk reaction to the loyalty comment yet understood the idea of shifting stages in life with changing needs and interests. She and I lost contact after she left the company and didn't return my phone calls. I only twinged a bit.

I've thought about those comments and concepts many times since. Especially as I often feel quick to judge those who appear to be struggling with my new normal. However, I don't want to waste my energy getting caught up in that. Though I still don't quite know what my philosophy is about this all. It kind of reminds me of my late twenties when I was living out of my car and solo backpacking the mountains of the U.S. Southwest. I was seeking the answers to the Big Questions in my reading of the Dhammapada, Tao Te Ching and Bhagavad Gita. I came out with more questions. However, I also came out with a sense that it was ok to not have the answers and understand it all. Possibly this is similar in that I don't need to figure it all out. Maybe I just need to deeply appreciate those who are here now and be open to new people entering the trajectory of my new reality; that's all.

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I appreciate all you folks who encouraged me through this last hurdle with your comments, emails and phone calls. I'm glad we're currently aligned. This has been my first week back at work and it's been rather tough.  Am also back in the saddle on the neurological front with upcoming neuro appointments to shake the tree about all sorts of stuff. The fun never ends...